Genre: Romance, Hurt/Comfort
Loki is pregnant, coming back as an exile in chains from the final events from the Avengers movie. Nobody seems to know about his ongoing pregnancy, nor the father of the child. Loki doesn't know how to handle it, from bearing the child, to his constant thoughts that he will be killed, surely, for the crimes he had committed.
But what is he to do when he's welcomed back home with open arms? What if, although still at fault for the horrors he had done in childish vengeance, his old friends, his family, still missed him so incredibly? Would Loki have the growing courage to speak of the unborn child? And, above all else, would he manage to fix the broken bond and heart he once had with not only Thor, but with himself?
Have you ever a time in your life when things are so bad you can barely stand it? A time when, no matter what you try to do, things just never seem to work in your favor?
Life can be like that, confusing and unreadable, and all you can do is just accept and move with what happens. And some people just have a way of working with it. Some people can do it easily, able to accept things as they are and continue life just as good as it was before. They morn the bad, and celebrate the good.
Some people can just do that. Some people can flow through life without problem or issue.
But not Loki.
Loki isn't one of those people whom can just accept problems. He is always one to fight it, to reject the truth and accept his own, how it should be instead of what it really is. It comes from years of denial, practice really; years of trying to make himself believe what he wants. That he is a good son. That he always does the very best that he can do for his family, his
friends, the people closest to him (few that remains, even now).
He always fights.
But, there are these rare, little times that the same man simply
.gives up. He understands what he's fighting against and merely accepts it. Sometimes it's for the better. And sometimes even, it's for the worst. It's when things finally become too much to handle.
Thor. Sif. Mother and Father. His leave, his arrival, his baby.
Ah yes, his baby.
Loki can't take the overwhelming emotions that swirl in his head, not all at once, and simply gives up (seemingly more often than naught in recent days). It makes him shake and shudder with confusion, makes his eyes fill with tears, his voice choke deep in his throat.
Loki is sure that this is one of those times. He isn't fooled by the emptiness of the halls (they were abound with numbness), or the warmth of the air (it was foreshadowing the cold of his coming loneliness). This is it. His mother and father. He is actually going to see them, after years of being alone. Years of despair, of anger, of hate and depressing coldness nipping at his bones. Years of fighting the truth, trying to tell himself they didn't want him, that he hadn't given up everything for a childish jest.
Loki feels like at last the pains of the past will be put to sleep, if only a small bit. Even a fraction will help his heart; help calm the swirling emotion keeping such a tight grasp over his sanity. Maybe he'll finally understand and give up his self-pitying sadness. Maybe. Or at the same time, perhaps the meeting will only yield more questions, more confusion, and an everlasting sense of betrayal and agony from what Odin had done to him.
Loki severely hopes (almost prays to Valhala) for the former. He wants to be happy. He wants to be loved. He wants to forgive, to be forgiven, to go back to how things always used to be. And if Odin wanted as much as he for the very same, Loki is willing to risk his sanity and overwhelmed brain and heart to achieve it.
To know the truth. Or, even better yet, to understand why Odin had never told him of the truth. To know if he was loved as much as Thor was, even now, after so many crimes, so much death. Could Loki still be loved as he always dreamed for?
To feel the warmth of his mother and father loving him again. To feel a sense of acceptance once and for all, to push away what doubts there are about his birth, his upbringing, about everything and nothing in between.
But then Loki is reminded of Thor. Thor, the man walking beside him.
Thor, the man who was once his lover.
The utterly unknowing father of his child growing oh-so-innocently within his stomach.
The man he lied to.
Sif told him to buck up and be strong. Loki remembers her harsh but honest words, accompanied easily by the constant stinging on his cheek from how hard she had slapped him. Yes, she truly is a strong woman. Loki cannot deny her worth any longer from how well she honestly helped him. How she forgave him. She is
.a friend. An odd and incredibly unseen friend, but one nonetheless. Loki will always be grateful for the companionship she offered him.
And she is right. Loki can get through this. For her, for his parents. For Thor. And it is that, the simple hope and prayer that keeps Loki from crying again, keeping him strong and silent and undyingly calm as he walks beside his elder brother.
Towards the throne room.
Perhaps one day even, Thor might learn to forgive him, for all that he had done in hurt against the golden god.
Perhaps one day he'll tell Thor the truth.
There is a horrid silence that twists and turns between he and Thor as they walk together. It modestly resounds through every little passage and hall, in every open window and out every cracked door. It is a silence that is empty and hallow, brittle and far too easy to break. A mere word can shatter the silence to pieces between them and open the wounds that were all-too fresh in both men's minds.
Loki notices though that Thor continues to peer at him as they gently continue through the grand hall, getting closer and closer to the very source that threatens to make Loki's hands shake. It is soft and subtle, but the thin god is more than able to catch the light shifting of blue eyes turning towards him, the barest twitch of a toned face moving in its own pained curiosity.
If there was not such a thick cloud of emotion and anxiety over Loki, he is sure that he would have been pushing down the urge to smile. Thor has always been so incredibly open in his feelings, his curiosity, his questions. As much as the elder deity always likened to say that he was a man of great maturity, Loki always thought otherwise. He was in so many ways just like an innocent child. So open, so honest, and so very easy to hurt.
The simple sound of their boots clicks against the hard floor as they both walk, one foot in front of the other.
Simple, muted reminders of how few words they manage to speak in the overwhelming emotion.
But there is otherwise only silence spewing between their bodies, filling the air and keeping them floating on a thin line of sanity. Neither man can think of what to say. Occasionally Thor opens his lips and turns towards Loki, but after a moment he seems to find a thought and closes his mouth again, leaving them in nothing but emptiness once more. Loki isn't sure if the silence is a good thing anymore. When before he yearned for nothing but silence, finding his own miserable existence hiding away in his room, he now knows it will never be enough to heal his pain (along with the pain of so many others, as Sif so kindly had reminded him with the slap across the cheek).
In some ways, the younger of the two mentally screams for Thor to be the first to speak. To break the silence; but he does not. They turn down the next left, one part closer to the main room where Loki knows his father and mother to be waiting for him. The room where Odin would be sitting, curt and calculating upon the golden throne of Asgard, where Loki and Thor had been brought to countless times in their youth when something of their activities had gone awry. Pranks, punishments, joys and celebrations between them.
So many years ago.
The walls are as bright and colorful as they always had been since Loki can remember, adorned with gold, silver, and abound with simple but lovely detail. Some of the windows down the side hall of the palace are open, letting in bounding shafts of light. As they walk past each one, Loki silently feels himself sigh and almost hum against the warmth as it hits him.
It's soft and comfortable, making the dark cloth of his armored jacket almost thrum with its billowing heat. For the first time in a while, Loki finds himself actually pulling up a soft twitch of lips from the sensation across his arms and shoulders. He has never been so pleasured by sunlight and warmth hitting him, never been so calmed and so relieved when the long streams of golden light flickered down upon him from the tall windows.
The sigh from his pale lips turns Thor's attention to him once more, his steps actually faltering from their one-two pattern and cycle. As much as he wants to hide it away, Loki cannot force the smile to hide from his brother's blue orbs. This creates a very obvious and very soft grunt of curiosity rumble through Thor's lips.
Then finally, a word. Several in fact, towards Loki, from Thor.
It has been long since I've seen you smile, brother." Though the tone is flat and seemingly uninterested, Loki rolls his eyes for how open and obvious the inner warmth is. It's a thin paper covering that anyone could see right through. But the man doesn't bother to poke fun or point out the true emotion welling behind the words. He doesn't have that right anymore, not after hurting his brother like that so recent in a few nights ago.
Not after he lied to Thor.
So instead, Loki clears his throat and looks ahead, his arms lightly swaying at the level of his hips, like limp vines on a tree. "It has been long since I've something to smile about." There is a grunt of a response beside him, and it's only a mental instinction that makes Loki turn his head. The duet sound of footsteps stops clicking against the hard floor when the two brothers finally meet eyes.
Thor looks firm and serious. His mouth is in a firm frown, set like a hard cement upon his face, unmoving, infallible. The man does not even seem to blink. He stands with incredible strength, not moving at all, not even to cross his arms in a subtle sense of disapproval for how Loki has been treating and avoiding him for several days past.
And the younger brother barely finds himself breathing at the stare. His eyes bore into those soft, yet entirely strong blue ones. They were passionate as he can see, flickering with a deep fire that bit and jumps upon every word, every thought, every beat of his heart. But the fire is hungry, showing it's slow burning need for a sound from Loki's mouth. He starts to speak (attempting moreso than anything else), and he sees it as clear as a bright day in Asgard's gardens.
Demand. Betrayal. Curiosity. Question.
Thor has not forgotten what had been argued almost a week ago. Though he did not mean to, Loki suddenly had a hand pressing at his stomach, as if to ensure the child resting within is still fine, is still real, and is still there. He notices Thor twitch a brow in soft confusion, which only further powered his stance.
There is a fitful and devouring silence between the brothers. Loki doesn't take his hand away from his stomach. Thor finally moves to speak.
"I know you will never speak this to father, but I hope that I at least get some right." The golden god does not entirely sound angry (at least, not as angry as he had been before). Instead, he simply sounds confused, scared even. Loki is more than able to detect the familiar twitch in his tone, the telltale sign whenever Thor is nervous or frightened about what he speaks of. "I
I do not understand things like this at all. I don't wish to frighten you in asking, but I do not want to lose you from my heart, or me from yours Loki."
Loki feels entirely sick, his stomach twisting and insides churning. He has made Thor feel like that. He has lied to him, has not spoken to him the truth of the child. He has made Thor feel as if their love has been shattered.
Thor actually believes he had lain with another to bear a child. The realization (as much as the man had been fighting it before) is sick. More or less, it's making Loki sick.
As much as he wants to simply give it up and scream bloody truth, the shorter forces the bile of self-hatred down his throat and merely allows Thor to speak.
"I merely wish to speak to you about this brother, before we seek mother and fath-"
"There is nothing to speak about!" Loki surprises himself with how incredibly loud he is, teeth gnashing and eyes flaring with overreaction. But he cannot take the words back, and instead clicks his heal against the floor and treads onward with them. "I do not know why you have such curiosity in your head any longer for me, Thor. Whatever happened in my time away-" there is more than a hissing sound upon the word. "-is my business alone. It matters not with you in the slightest!"
Loki is barely allowed so much as a moment to feel pride in the power of his own words. He is taken suddenly by the throat, pushed back into one of the walls so strongly that he's mentally grateful that there is a soft curtain there to cushion the motion. Powerful or not, Loki is sure that Thor uses enough force to break something or another.
"Do you not understand!?" As with Sif and her strong hand across his pale cheek, Loki suddenly turns his head facing away when the unseen barrage of anger and words hit him. His face twitches, quivers almost (he hadn't seen such an explosion from Thor). "Do you not get this at all brother?! It's as much my business as it is yours!" His hand tightens the hold around Loki's thin throat, forcing a sudden choke from the other. It makes his hands fly to Thor's, suddenly growing more and more fevered to pull him away.
It's fear. Raw and powerful fear that coats through Loki's emerald eyes. Fear that he has taken one step too far with his brother's restraint, one step too far with his prideful and lying words. He suddenly feels his hands start to shake in the effort, though he knows it's entirely useless to even try and fight the other man.
But Thor is filled with seeming rage. He doesn't push harder upon Loki's throat or body, merely keeping him pressed to the wall and unable to move. "
I loved you, Loki. I hope you can still remember that after so long.
I loved you so much, and I still do." Nothing in the mortal world would ever, no matter how hard he tries, make him forget about that sound. That sound, thick and filled with wetness. It was one of the first and few actual sobs he has heard in his lifetime of loving Thor, of knowing him to cry and openly weep in front of only a person he cared deeply about.
The man is even surer of his sickness. There is harsh stinging bile at his throat, words begging to be forgiven simply clawing at his tongue to be spoken. But Loki cannot speak them. He cannot. Instead he merely whimpers in pain from how little air he breaths, but even then the taller Thor does not relent for him.
"What did they do to you Loki?" Thor is suddenly crying (though more like Loki has not bothered to look over until he was). There are tears spilling down his cheeks, making those clear blue eyes suddenly sizzle into flameless misery. They are spilling with concern and affection, making Loki feel as if he was about to throw up.
He does not deserve the feeling of being loved by Thor. He does not deserve to feel the other's strong arms around his body, caring for him as if the Tesseract had never been found. As if he had never left home. As if-
But suddenly that is all that Loki feels. No longer pressed against the wall, the man falls silent and frozen when Thor is wrapped around him, nose rubbing into the side of his neck like he always had done when they were secretive lovers.
Loki can't even breath.
"Please brother. What did they do to you? Those
those creatures, what did they do to you?" The sobbing is getting even more frantic, almost fueled solely by fear and confusion. "I want to help, brother. I
I want you to let me help you." Thor sounds like he's choking on his words, almost trying to force them out between each deep gasp for breath. It only makes Loki's heart drop further in his stomach.
He can't believe it. He simply cannot believe that Thor is holding him. Thor is kissing his neck. Thor is begging to help. Begging and confessing his love all over again. Loki simply cannot believe it.
His body is limp in Thor's firm hold, not leaning against him, but not pulling away in any instance. He merely stands. He mere is. All the time where he assumed betrayal in Thor's eyes, was it merely concern? When he had pitied himself in seeing rage, was it instead simple and misunderstood affection?
Loki sputters for a few moments, lips unable to move properly when Thor holds him tighter to his broad, warm body. It is a sensation like the man hasn't felt in a good, long time. The sensation of contact and skin, pressing against him, touching him, pulling him close. The trickster can barely think, let alone speak. "
I have thought that you hate me." Even to him it sounds stupid and misplaced, a mere child's question where there were so many other's he could have asked. From his father, to his past, to even the devotion that Thor undoubtedly held when Loki was gone. He could have asked all of it.
But he didn't.
Thor's sudden chuckle is completely off-kilter. It throws Loki's mind for a loop and back, making him shake his head and stare at Thor as if he had just came back from the dead. And even then, Thor does not stop laughing. Though there are obvious tears spilling from his eyes, the man doesn't stop his booming voice from flittering and carousing through the grand golden halls around them. Hands tighten around Loki's body, hands finding their way to press into his lower back.
"Brother," he says quickly, moving his face once more to the pale neck before him to nose across the skin. The gentle and intimate touch almost make's Loki squeak. It has been so long since someone has touched him like that. It feels so very nice. "I cannot lie and say that I have not felt ill, thinking of your words, your absence and
." The baby, Loki knows from the sudden hesitation. "
.surprises. But you are my little brother, my
my love. You always have been. I cannot hate you forever, not when you have returned to us!" The hysteric joy is almost painful for the smaller to hear, but he understands how much he deserves it. Thor smiles bright and wide. "It is only time before things can finally be as they once were. You will believe me when you speak to mother and father, you will know that we have missed you and love you." Thor noses against Loki's neck again, but the man quickly pulls himself away.
Loki almost feels disgusted with himself. Thor still loves him so very, very much, and Loki is doing all he can to keep such news from the other's realization. He wants to keep Thor from his child, from their child. After all this time, Thor
.he still wanted Loki, Loki's love. He assumed that the child was in mistake and from unwanted passion.
The younger isn't even sure what he can feel besides simple and utter disgust towards his own self-pity. It wasn't himself he had needed to feel such apology and misery for. It was Thor. Thor, the man who still followed him like a puppy, who still loves him after all that has happened, in the face that Loki (in the other's mind) had been with another lover since they were painfully separated.
The golden god seems to notice Loki's silence, and his smile merely grows soft and warm. "
I still love you as I had before, Loki." The other still doesn't respond to such emotional, such open words. Loki finds his lips parted and his brows pulled in an overwhelming sense of relief, of sadness, of confusion and incredible guilt.
Silence fills the room and halls, fills their eyes with mutual hope and tension.
I love you too brother."
The tension is broken. The tears finally spill. They roll down Loki's cheeks. He cannot breathe again, hands shaking and mind completely pulled around with emotion. Everything is a blur around him; everything is suddenly clear and entirely blackened with further promise of words. It is all suddenly so
clean. As if water has poured over the small god's frame, washing away the doubts, the pain, the confusion and misery, he can see again. Suddenly mother and father are a faraway thought.
But Loki starts to feel his body shake when it slowly becomes apparent; suddenly everything is a faraway thought. His brain is swirling with too much. From love to joy, guilt and misery, the growing noise in his brain is finally too much for Loki to take in one simple day. Mother and father. Talking to mother and father.
Thor. Yes, he loves Thor, Thor loves him. The baby (oh god the baby), how might Loki tell him of it? Would he speak the truth? Of course he would; right? Loki will tell Thor of the truth? But Thor might hate him for stealing it away, the memory and the pleasure, lying to him about it for so long? But of course talking to Odin and mother is first thought, first need. Father is sorry
..Loki needs to hear the truth
Suddenly everything begins to dot his vision with black.
And then Loki falls. His mind strained and heart beating like a rabbit from the veracious fox, Loki's mind finally falls into a silent calm, and into his brother's catching arms before there is nothing but black.